Birds, Bees, and the Vampires Role in all This
by Lil' DeiDei
Summary: When Edward learned Bella was pregnant, he was understandably upset. After all, how could this have happened? Minor swearing/adult themes-PARODY


When Edward learned Bella was pregnant, he was understandably upset. After all, how could this have happened?

I can't remember the time line of _Breaking Dawn_ and at which point during the Epic Sex-Fest Bella actually gets pregnant, and I'll be damned if I go back and read it ever again, so please just accept this. Tah.

**Birds, Bees, and the Vampire's Role in all This**

"Edward, relax! It's not the end of the world; I'm just pregnant," Bella said in what she hoped was a reassuring and calm voice.

Edward turned his head toward her, eyes wide in a creepy and unsightly manner. "Just _pregnant_?" he hissed.

Bella shrugged.

"I mean, _pregnant_." Edward's face twisted in disgust and despair as he stared at his new bride. "How did that even happen?" he bewailed.

"Well," Bella explained patiently, "we had sex."

Edward leveled her with a blank stare. "Yes, I know," he said superciliously. "Rather, I meant… oh, let's just go talk to Carlisle."

Shrugging, Bella carefully stood from the bed and grabbed a light jacket, knowing it was only sensible to stay warm now that she was "in the family way".

"Edward!" Carlisle said pleasantly. "What a surprise. Esme and I were not expecting you back for a few… months," he said with a slightly embarrassed smile.

Edward gave his stepfather a flat look as he dragged Bella forward, knowing the best way to explain the circumstances would be for Carlisle to see the evidence first hand.

"Oh my god," Carlisle exclaimed uncharacteristically. "You're pregnant," he said, actually pointing a finger at Bella's stomach in shock.

Bella, for her part, merely rolled eyes and shook her head. "Honestly, is this really that much of a shocker to you guys? We had sex and didn't bother using a condom. What did you think would happen?"

Edward's eyes narrowed at her. "Wait, so for the past year or so when you've been trying to get me to have sex with you… was this your ultimate goal?"

She at least had the decency to blush here.

Edward gave in to the urge to face palm.

Carlisle, wisely pretending to not hear any of this despite being a mere three feet away from Bella, chimed in here. "Now that you are pregnant, though, we need to take a closer look. Bella, I get that the sex was key here… but you guys only got married last night. When, exactly, did you… _consummate_?" he asked delicately.

"Last night, on the beach," Bella answered immediately. "And in the bedroom. And in the bath," her face scrunched up in thought. "And in the kitchen… I think… After the dining room, everything gets a little hazy for me."

Carlisle hummed in thought. "I see."

"Yeah," Bella continued, ignoring her husband's odd actions. "When I woke up this morning, there were chicken feathers everywhere. I think they were from the pillows though, not real chickens."

Carlisle nodded at this news. "I see," he repeated. "Pregnant… I didn't think vampires could ever get a human pregnant," he mused. "There do appear to be some _rare_ documented cases of it, however, but only a few. It's strange…" He trailed off, appearing to be thinking deeply again.

Edward's head shot up as if he sensed a great revelation about to be unveiled. "But what?" he demanded.

"Well," Carlisle began slowly, glancing at Bella uncomfortably.

Edward made an impatient motion for him to continue.

"Vampires don't have sperm, Edward," Carlisle said in a voice that held an almost lecturing quality.

"They… what?"

"How could we?" Carlisle asked rhetorically. The vampire doctor spread his hands to emphasize his point. "You need a functioning body in order to produce semen in your prostate and such; we don't even have to breathe. Not to mention… well, I hate to be blunt, but technically, we can't have sex either." He paused to give this a moment to sink in.

"What?" Bella exclaimed, obviously aghast at the suggestion. She very, _very_ clearly remembered the details of her love-making with Edward (until the dining room), and there was _no way_ it didn't happen. That was just ludicrous.

"What do you mean, 'technically, we can't have sex'?" Edward asked calmly, somehow able to look deeper into the statement than Bella had seen.

Carlisle cleared his throat. "In order to get an erection, the heart pumps blood down to the penis, which closes muscles and keeps the blood there in order to maintain the erection until ejaculation occurs. As we just learned, you can't ejaculate, Edward, because you don't have working seminal or prostate glands. You also don't have blood. Or heart. So you can't have sex either." This conversation was clearly paining the poor doctor and his tone became clipped, as if he couldn't wait until they were done talking and he could go and lock himself in a dark room for a good four hundred years and only come back out when they all forgot about this.

"Can't have sex?" Bella mumbled, her mind in shock at the very thought of this.

"If that is true," Edward started slowly, "then what did Bella and I do?"

"I am sure you also know that vampires are known for their more _seductive_ properties," Carlisle stated. "Throughout history, we are quoted as having entranced people beyond the point their minds can handle, just with a glance here, a touch there, or something of the sort. We are devastatingly attractive, and just as deadly."

Edward nodded impatiently. "Yes, I know all this. What are you getting at?"

"You created an illusion, Edward," Carlisle finally just came right out and said it. "You basically seduced Bella to the point that she created a scenario in her head that matched the expectations of both her body and mind. She, ahem, _desired_ you so much, the rather vivid sex she described to me was made up by her subconscious as an explanation for what she was feeling."

"Then how did she get those bruises? And how the hell is she pregnant?" Edward challenged.

Carlisle spared a glance toward the girl sitting on the desk, muttering something about "so… good… orgasm… how… unreal…" and took his son aside. Putting a hand reassuringly over the boy's shoulder, he asked quietly, "Are you _sure_ the werewolf is really out of the picture, Edward?"

His expression changed from one of confusion to pure outrage in a matter of seconds. Quite a few seconds, but seconds they were nonetheless. "JACOB BLACK! I WILL KILL YOU!"

"Now, now, calm down," Carlisle said soothingly. "It can't only be his fault."

Edward turned on his father. "Are you implying what I think you're implying?"

Carlisle merely shrugged.

Edward hissed through his teeth. "Bella would never,_ never_ knowingly cheat on me. He obviously used some sort of counter seduction technique."

"Edward, he's a werewolf. He's literally got dog brains. How could he possibly seduce your wife without her being at least partially willing?"

"Bella!" Edward yelled. "Is this true? Did you sleep with Jacob?"

Bella looked guiltily up at her one true love and blinked. "I… I…"

"Is it?" he pressed relentlessly.

"I couldn't help it!"

He shot Carlisle a smug look.

"You were just so cold, and flaccid! I mean, your skin is rock hard, like diamonds! I thought you would at least be the same down there, too!"

His mouth dropped open in shock. "I can't believe this," he declared. "I can't believe you. You slept with a werewolf! A werewolf!" he spat in disgust. He turned to Carlisle. "I want a divorce, Carlisle. Also, I am never having sex again. Being a virgin for a hundred years was better than this."

"You're still a virgin," Carlisle reminded him.

Edward ignored that, and stomped prissily from the room.

Bella rubbed her stomach sadly. "Jacob would never have done that," she told Carlisle spitefully.

"Yeah, but if Edward had got you pregnant, he probably would have imprinted on the kid and given her a horrible nickname, so good luck raising a baby with him," Carlisle told her, patting her on the head as though she was a small child.

She had no satisfactory rebuttable and could only pitifully stand from the desk, and leave the Cullen household forever.

On the plus side, she never did get turned into a vampire and millions of readers the entire world over were spared the pain of reading about a precocious demon baby. Instead, Bella gave birth to a poodle.

Explaining _that_ to Billy Black was interesting, to say the least.


End file.
